New research (that I’m presenting to you in my voice’s suavely tones) indicates that modernity is the result of modern times, though in this county a new political party was founded to directly oppose that finding and they are polling at 40% as of yesterday. My tactician has been fired for pissing in the soup, so to speak, and I have no choice but to hire you as my next one. Let’s get the message straight for our audience.

Between microplastics and ocean acidification is an entire war machine keeping us safe from the horrors of each other. The 24/7 news cycle is complemented by a bouquet of violent imagery and glorified rhetoric which in turn makes standing out traitorous to self-preservation, you see. I’ve heard there’s a way to catch oysters that doesn’t involve sticking out your feathery neck, so our first task is to find out something true in the world that we can pile a bunch of distorted reality on in our favour. As much as we can get on there.

Never once have I liked driving my car. Not once. It’s tolerable as a method of transportation, but I always feel dirty doing it. Even when I keep the air con to a minimum and try not to squish birds there’s still some part of me that feels like a villain. Am I wasting this oil? Gross. But then again I need to drive to a depot to dispose of my dang drinkbottles! That’s where you come in. Twice per week I’ll need you to do some supply runs. Bring bait.

Feeling freer through bodily autonomy and gratitude. It wasn’t that hard. Put the screen away and reach for a different one which does the things the other one didn’t do as well. The fridge has a screen on it now? And the toilet? The human endeavour for the entire electrification of convenience has been achieved, just now, and by the time you finish reading this sentence it will be on course to start the reverse trend which will continue over the proceeding century based on current models built by deep learning stacked AI algorithms. What waits us on the other side of those models is the best chance we’ve got to save ourselves from any of the aforementioned inconveniencements.

How did we get this far? Of course. Last I remember, we were above the ocean riding the air currents across great swathes of oceans and lands. Now all of a sudden we’re on the beach again - it’s raining, not many humans or dogs around to be aware of - and out on the hunt for snacks. Molluscs.